Love is Hell
by like a criminal
Summary: A very angsty idea that's been bouncing around in my head. MerDer and a baby... but it's not what you're thinking. I can assure you.
1. Part One

**So this is sort of an exercise I've been wanting to do, and have been doing for awhile, but it didn't get finished until... now, since I've started school and all. I wanted to do a concept story that took an album and had a part for each song, and it was supposed to be chapters... but somehow it became a oneshot. So I have the first part of the album, which is part one (anyone who is into Ryan Adams will know that the two EPs came together to form all of "Love is Hell") and then I have this random interlude that goes in between that I've been thinking about in my head for a long time... in any event, I'm going to stop rambling and hope you enjoy! I'm really excited for the second part though because yes. **

**Political Scientist**

_Her husband's divorced but he treats her that way of course  
Because he needs her just like he needs medicine  
_

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Derek whispers in the darkness of their bedroom. He kisses the bottom of her swollen feet and lightly massages them with his thumbs. "I love you, I love you." His hands move up her legs to the expanse of her stomach and he presses his cheek against her warm skin. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he repeats and Meredith sighs, moving her hand into his thick dark hair.

"Don't say that. I'm fat," she sighs again and gently runs her fingernails across his scalp.

He moves his head up so that he is looking at her closed eyelids, "You're carrying my child. I love you Mer. And when you're finished with that, I'll still love you because you're going to be my wife."

She shivers and opens her eyes. "Don't say that Derek," her voice is almost pleading.

He squints at her before letting out a long sigh of his own and letting his cheek drop back to her belly.

---

A week later, Meredith is in the hospital. She squeezes Derek with her right hand and Cristina with her left, Addison Montgomery is positioned between her legs instructing her to push with a gaggle of nurses behind her.

The room is surprisingly quiet. Derek is cannot help but stare, awe struck at what is occurring, and Cristina was never much for words. Before they know it, Addison's soft directions and Meredith's grunting, is broken by the sharp cry of an infant.

Meredith sinks into the bed, her efforts complete. She squeezes her eyes shut while the rest of the proceedings go on around her.

"It's a boy," Addison announces, and Derek lets out a small cry of excitement. "Ten fingers and ten toes," she adds, and Meredith has a feeling of relief that is completely unfamiliar to her.

She opens her eyes again and the small, pink, child has quieted and being held in front of her. She moves to take him in her arms, and Derek moves in closer, "What was the name we picked out?" she quietly questions.

"Jacob," he quickly responds. "Jacob. Jacob Derek Shepherd." He offers Jacob his finger and grins when he grips his if his tiny fist. "Jacob," he repeats.

"Jacob," Meredith finds herself saying, She ignores Cristina, who is saying something about going to tell the others, and about helping Meredith fill out the paperwork. Meredith is somehow happy about being able to put a name to the person who terrifies her the most. She stares at the baby, with Derek tending to her sweaty brow, and they look every bit the happy family.

**Afraid Not Scared**

_Look at this ocean with everyone drowning  
Idiots screaming and everyone sinking in slowly  
We're surrounded  
In the yellow lights of the city wasted as bodies  
In bed with somebody a touch away with nothing to do  
We're surrounded  
I'm really dying here_

In the house, in the middle of the woods, there is nothing for Meredith to do. For once, she is alone. Jacob is napping, Derek is out grocery shopping, and the steady stream of visitors who had filled their home, has tapered, as everyone tries to return to their normal routines.

She doesn't know if she is happy, happiness feels strange and she finds even her own skin new and unfamiliar. She runs her hands over the flatter skin of her stomach, wary of her own reality and wondering if she rubs her stomach enough it will swell, expand, and fill with another child for her to fear. She supposes she should sleep now, because the baby still does not sleep through the night. She lies in the bed and sleep never comes, so she makes her way to the kitchen.

There are about a million baskets of fruit and cheese and bottles of wine and champagne that Meredith can't yet drink. She sits on a stool in the large kitchen, and tries to think, she has to do something, anything, but her brain is filled with static and her body feels heavy. She presses the heels of her hands into her eyes, and inhales deeply, begging her mind to clear itself, and her jittery nerves to relax.

The back door swings open and Derek enters. He looks at her, with mischievous eyes and Meredith is suddenly jealous of him.

"I thought you went out to get food," she observes that his hands are empty.

"I know!" he says excitedly. "I know that's what I said, but I got a little sidetracked. I promise I'll go back out again, but I promise that this will make you happy, too." He steps aside and a small, brown puppy runs in, looking up at Meredith expectantly. "I thought, I thought every little boy should have a dog. And maybe we could call him Jack? So it would be like Jack and Jacob, or is that too cheesy?" Derek picks up the dog and wrinkles his nose. "Meredith?" he awaits an answer.

Jacob answers instead, his cries audible in the baby monitor Meredith has clipped to the belt loop of her jeans, and echoing throughout the house. "I can't – I can't have that in my house," she mutters, before running up to tend to the baby.

---

Weeks later, when Jacob has been weaned off breast milk to formula, and Jack is still "shitting all over the floors," Meredith opens one of the celebratory bottles of wine and finishes it, finally falling asleep.

**This House is Not For Sale**

_Tell 'em that the house is not for sale  
We're still livin' here, how come nobody can tell  
They're takin' all the furniture, movin' our things_

Derek is slowly becoming unable to recognize the woman he lives with.

He tries talking to her. "Meredith, I was thinking we should get the nanny to come in while you're still here, so Jake can get used to her before you go back to work?" he suggests once she has returned from her daily walk. He bounces the baby on his knee.

She murmurs something inaudible and opens the fridge, pulls out a half empty bottle of white wine, and unceremoniously pours it into a mug. Jacob gurgles a response, clutching his father's worn sweatshirt.

He eyes her warily. "OK. So maybe next week and she can spend the next two weeks with you to you know, get the routine."

"Fine," she mutters. "It's all fine, just do what you think is right." She swallows the last of her mug, and pours another serving. Jacob laughs.

Derek returns his attention to her. "Mer, don't you think that's a little much?"

She stares at him blankly. "What?" She takes a sip and Jacob makes another happy noise, pleading for his father's attention.

"You know what? Forget it," he rises from his seat and takes the baby to playroom, while she digs in the refrigerator for another drink.

**Love Is Hell**

_It's raining, I can see it outside  
Funny I'm still in it  
Just sitting here with Johnny and Ralph'  
Until the room starts spinning_

The nanny comes and Meredith doesn't remember her name, but she's grateful for her existence. Meredith is jealous that Derek gets to go to work, but it becomes easier without his constant presence and watchful eyes she can leave the woman (what is her _name?_) with the baby and go to Joe's in the afternoon. Motherhood has strengthened her stomach, and she drinks greedily. Tequila has become the nectar of the gods, and the days and weeks are livable when they pass by her in a cloudy, spinning haze.

**Wonderwall**

_Back beat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out  
And I'm sure you've heard it all before, but you never really had a doubt  
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now  
And all the roads we have to walk are winding  
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding  
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how  
Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me  
And after all, you're my wonderwall_

It is late when Meredith's cab pulls up to the dark house, and she knows that she has been caught. She presses her forehead against the window, before overpaying the driver and stumbling out of the car, and into the house that does not feel like a home.

The first to greet her is the dog. He runs excitedly around her ankles while she gropes the wall for the kitchen light switch. "Shh, Jack, quiet," she begs. "Please, don't wake them up." He whines, and then complies, trotting down the hall and disappearing into the darkness.

Something in the dining room catches her eye, and she winces. Derek had said something to her about having dinner together, but she cannot remember if she just hadn't been listening, or had been too far gone to notice. She makes her way into the room and bites her lip, her eyes surveying the damage she has done. Cold food sits at the center of the table, and there are two set places, plus high chair. On one of the dishes is a velvet box and Meredith instinctively opens it. She sees that it contains a small diamond ring and her breath catches in her throat, her eyes welling with tears.

"Derek?" she questions, and there is only silence as a response. "Derek?" she repeats, turning on her heel and attempting to maneuver her way through the rest of the house. "Derek? Derek?" she whispers, and wrings the hand that isn't still clutching the jewelry box. "Derek?" She opens the door to their bedroom, "Derek?"

"Meredith?" His voice is thick with sleep as he rolls over in bed and stares at her.

"Derek? Derek? I'm sorry." The room is turning now, and her head is spinning, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," she sobs again. She tries to take a step forward and ends up stumbling to her knees, but she holds on to the velvet box as if it were her lifeblood.

"Jesus! Mer," Derek says, before coming to her side.

"I'm sorry, I'm ruining everything," Meredith says, gasping for breath. Her stomach turns, and once she realizes she's going to be sick she pulls herself up and hurries to the bathroom.

Derek is not far behind her, and she feels him pulling her hair from around her face with a hand on her back, until she finishes heaving into the toilet. Once finished, she sits up and Derek fills a cup with water from the sink. The water and the vomit have a sobering effect on Meredith and the room seems to move at a slower pace.

"What's going on Mer?" Derek finally questions, somewhat rhetorically.

Meredith can't look him in the eye, so she turns her attention to the jewelry box that she had since dropped to the floor. "Do you want me to put this on?" she changes the subject. Her voice is hoarse, and tired.

Derek takes a minute, before reaching out and tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. His action is interrupted by a sharp wail from Jacob's bedroom and he squeezes his eyes shut, unsuccessfully willing the noise to stop. He presses his lips against her forehead before going to answer Jacob's call, "You decide," he says softly and leaves Meredith on the bathroom floor.

Meredith opens the box, slips the ring around the appropriate finger, and cries.

**Shadowlands**

_Most people never find a love  
Most people never find a love  
Sometimes you just can be a man  
Sometimes you just can be a man  
When you're living in the darkness  
Of the shadowlands_

The next night is a repeat of the previous, except this time Meredith knows better than to have the cab drop her off at her own home, instead giving him the directions to the townhouse she used to share with George and Izzie. They still live there, except now with Callie and Alex, respectively, their lives little changed.

Meredith licks her lips and tries to get herself together, before making her way up the steps to the porch and ringing the doorbell repeatedly.

The door flies open and Izzie is visibly started to see Meredith standing there. "Are you OK?" She opens the screen door to let Meredith in and immediately wrinkles her nose. "Christ, you smell like a gin factory."

"I missed you guys," Meredith tries to keep the mood light, and shifts her weight from foot to foot, but Izzie is not amused, and she cringes when she sees George come down the staircase.

"So you decided to come visit at 2 AM?" Izzie's voice is sharp and harsh. "Whatever, I'm going to call Shepherd."

Meredith's eyes widen, "No!" Her hands fly up to her face. "No, don't call – I just want to… I wanted to spend the night in my old room like old times."

Meredith is surprised when Izzie doesn't say anything but instead gasps, loudly. She feels Izzie grab her wrist and she cringes again when she realizes what exactly her friend has noticed.

"You didn't tell me he proposed!"

"It was yesterday," her voice is surprisingly tiny and she keeps her eyes shut. She knows that George isn't saying anything, and she can tell that he hasn't moved from the bottom of the staircase and is watching the proceeding with confusion.

"Meredith!" Izzie is shaking her arm now. "Mer, why aren't you at home?"

She inhales, "I can't. I can't go there."

"I'm calling Dr. Shepherd," George mutters. "He's going to come and get you."

"No," Meredith protests again. "No!" She shakes her head. "No! He can't. He can't," she repeats.

"You're a mess Meredith," George states, plainly, and she pulls her arm out of Izzie's grasp.

"No! You can't talk to me like that," Meredith crosses the room until she's standing directly in front of him. She pushes fiercely against his chest. "You can't say that to me."

"Meredith!" Izzie hisses, for the second time that night.

"No, Izzie. You make him stop," she pushes George again.

George grabs her wrists and wordlessly pushes her away, his eyes dark, turning to enter the kitchen and call Derek.

Meredith stumbles backwards, and sinks into the couch. "I can't go back there Izzie," she protests. "I just want to say, I just want to stay," she says repeatedly, pulling her hair with her hands and burying her body into the cushions before she falls into a deep sleep.

---

When Meredith opens her eyes again, she is back in their house, in their bed. Derek is awake, and his eyes are watching her, concerned, while Jacob's sleeping form fills the gap between them.

He reaches over the baby and touches her cheek and puts her hand up to hold his there. "Do you have to go to work?" she asks quietly. She feels his eyes searching her face before he responds.

"No, my surgery's been rescheduled." He clears his throat and speaks again. "Meredith, do you want to talk about what happened last night?" His voice is surprisingly gentle, and her eyelashes wet with tears.

"Derek?"

He nods.

"Please don't leave me," she whispers.

A look that Meredith doesn't recognize crosses his eyes. "I don't want to, Mer," he says cryptically, and she is left to wonder what it means.

**World War 24**

_Coma comes  
Like bullets from a candy gun  
Delivers us into the sun_

Cristina sits in the living room, cradling Jacob and waiting for Meredith to return from taking the dog out.

"You know I didn't think I was going to like you at first," Cristina dryly admits to the smiling baby, who giggles in response. "But now it seems like you're starting to develop a little bit more of a personality." He makes more happy noises and long trail of drool slides down to his bib. She can't help but smile back at him, her godson, but her smile quickly fades when she hears Meredith re-enter the house. It is not a time for happiness.

Jack pads into the room to settle on a pillow in the corner, and Meredith follows not far behind. "Thanks for watching him," she says. She makes no move to retrieve her child, and instead sinks into the chair opposite Cristina.

A long silence passes before Cristina initiates the conversation she had traveled to make. "What are you doing Meredith?" She sounds, surprising even herself, confused, and confusion is an emotion that Cristina Yang rarely feels. "What are you doing?" she repeats again, this time with more conviction. "Why won't you talk to Shepherd? At least tell him what's going on if you can't come to me." Her voice trails off, and when she realizes that Meredith isn't going to respond, she continues. "Because you're killing yourself, and you're killing him, and eventually this is going to start affecting Jacob." The baby seems to recognize his own name and interrupts Cristina with a loud squeal. She shakes her head, before returning her attention to the woman in front of her. "I know that you're scared, scared of becoming your mother or whatever – but the only person who can stop you from becoming your mother is yourself, and at least she was even trying." Cristina is again surprised, this time at the harshness of her own words. "George and Izzie told me about what happened the other night, and maybe it's time to ask someone for help Meredith, because after awhile, whatever problem it is you have is going to be too big for you to solve and you will have driven away the people who love you the most."

When Cristina has the courage to look up again, she sees that Meredith is twisting her engagement ring, a pained look decorating her features.

"I know I'm coming down on you Meredith, but sometimes that's just what you need." With that, Christina rises to her feet, places Jacob in Meredith's arms, and exits.

**Avalanche**

_She falls apart in the avalanche  
Fades out like a dance  
Crawls back into bed  
When it's over_

Meredith can't recall the last time she tried to cook something. She had thought about it when she was planning ways to break the news to Derek that she was pregnant, but thinking about doing something almost a year ago, hardly counted as actually doing it. She slices, and dices, and pulls the lasagna out of the oven when she's supposed to, trying not to wrinkle her nose at how it comes out. Jacob watches her with wide eyes, from his position in the playpen, crying only when it's time for his own feeding, and eventually falling into a deep sleep. Meredith is grateful for her son's cooperation, and once he is tucked into his crib, she goes to set the table. She considers putting a bottle of wine on the table, but finally decides on grape juice. She sits at the head, fiddling with the utensils, and waiting for Derek to return.

She hears him open the door and calls out, "Derek? I'm in here."

He enters the room, briefcase still in hand, and eyes her, curiously.

"I thought we could – I made dinner," she explains, and awkwardly gestures at the array of food.

"I see," he says slowly, setting his things down and shrugging out of his jacket. He places it on the back of his chair before taking a seat and looking at her, expectantly.

"Um, so," she bites her lips and passes him the salad. "Start with this, and there are vegetables… and I tried to make lasagna but if you don't like it you don't have to eat it. And, I guess I should have gotten rolls or something but I wasn't thinking, and it was… this was kind of half planned," her voice trails off and they're thrust into a brief silence again. Meredith doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, because it seems like she has said more words to him in seconds than she has in months.

"It's fine," he insists, his brow wrinkled with confusion. "It looks – it looks great Meredith," he adds, as he shovels green beans onto his plate.

Meredith lets out a breath of air and twists her napkin in her fingers. "OK," she mumbles, and watches him raise his fork to his mouth for a bite.

He raises an eyebrow, "You're not eating?"

This startles Meredith and she jumps, slightly, in her seat. "Oh, right," she halfheartedly places a portion of salad onto her plate and pushes it with her fork. "Um, how was work?" she offers, a bit lamely and tries to ignore Derek's questioning stare.

"Long," he finally answers.

"Oh."

"Where's Jake?"

"Asleep." Her voice seems to be shrinking, and she squeezes her eyes shut and inhales deeply, before opening them again. By now, Derek has stopped eating entirely and his eyes are still boring baffled holes into her. "I just – I just wanted to make up for the other night, I know you wanted to eat together, and we haven't had the time," she clears her throat. "And I wanted to talk to you."

It is Derek's turn to sigh, and he drops his silverware to grab her shaking hand into his own. He squeezes it, gently, urging her to continue with his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm pushing you away," she closes her eyes again. "And I'm sorry that I've been so messed up these past few weeks. I can't – I can't completely explain it but there's something wrong, with me. I'm so scared of everything, of you, of this house, of, of the baby, and I'm confused, and I don't know – it's just, well it was easier for me to just make it quiet when I, when I drink," she winces at her last few words, before more come tumbling out of her lips. "But instead of making things better it's making it worse and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose you, and being terrified of that scares me even more because I think I _need_ you," she chokes back a sob and licks her lips, glancing in his direction. "I don't think I know who I am any more, and I just want to be me again, and I can't be me without you," she pleads; her lips are quivering, and salty tears blaze a steady trail down her cheeks.

"Oh, Mer," he whispers, and she turns her head away from him, running the back of her hand across her eyes. "Meredith," he uses her full name this time. "Meredith look at me," he instructs, and takes both of her hands in his. "Mer, I'm not going anywhere," his voice is soft, yet strong, as he tries to reassure her.

"I'm just scared," her shoulders shudder. "I want to stop, but I won't be able to, and then when I do I don't think I'll feel right, still."

Derek pulls her closer, until she is sitting haphazardly in his lap, crying and clutching at his shirt. "We will find a way to make this work," he murmurs, and rubs her back in slow circles. "We'll figure it out, we'll figure it out," he says it twice, as if he is trying also to convince himself.

**Caterwaul**

_How can I explain to you  
What you did to me with words  
Words just like the ones you used_

It is another day and Derek is following Meredith around the first floor of the house with a large carton. They are filling the box with bottles and cans, small, medium, and large, full and empty, beer, wine, and liquor. He follows her through the house, and into the garage where they set the box alongside other things to be disposed of.

When this process is finished, he takes Meredith's hand into his own and softly kisses her cheek. "I talked to Preston," he says, on their way back into the house.

"Oh, yeah?"

"And he thinks it would be ok, and I thought it would be a good idea too, if we extended your maternity leave for another couple weeks, until you feel ready," he waits for her to protest, and relaxes when her only reply is a nod. "And I was thinking," he continues. "That I would take a week off too, and the nanny won't have to come in and we can spend some time together, just the three of us, while you're trying to get things together."

"OK," her voice is initially quiet. "OK," she repeats, this time with a little more enthusiasm. She offers him a timid smile, and bites her lower lip.

"Hey," he says. Derek touches her waist and pulls her until her body is touching his. He brushes his lips across her forehead, then her nose, and then her lips. "It'll be like a vacation," he presses his forehead against hers. His smile widens when he sees her eyes brighten. "Nothing glamorous, but us." This draws a laugh, and now he is grinning. "And, I'm really proud of you." His voice cracks with the last sentence, "I am _so_ proud of you."

**Halloween**

_We are here to help you sing your songs  
Because tomorrow's gonna come_

A month later, Meredith tucks her thin legs under her body on a couch, and picks absently at the fibers on a pillow. "So then we took Jacob to see my mother," she licks her lips. "And I think that went well, she seemed pretty lucid and he didn't cry. We're going to try to take him there more regularly, so she can start to get to know him and he can know her." She raises her eyes and watches the woman in front of her, in the pencil skirt and the square-framed glasses, scratch things on the yellow memo pad that rests on her knee. "I didn't see my grandparents enough when I was little and Jacob doesn't have that many left…" her voice trails off.

The woman raises a dark eyebrow, and continues writing. "Do you think that Jacob needs more… adult attention?"

A laugh escapes Meredith's lips and she continues to pick at the throw pillow. "He definitely gets plenty of that. People… well our friends from the hospital are over a lot and they dote on him and… it's kind of like they're his extended family," she admits.

The woman's eyes reach hers, "That's wonderful," she says warmly. "And how are things going with you and Dr. Shepherd?"

Meredith licks her lips again, "Derek is, well, he's Derek." She twists the ring that sits on her left hand and tucks her hair behind her ear. "I'm trying to be more honest with him, like you said. And doing the whole telling him my feelings thing. He gets on my case about that," she twists her ring another time for good measure. "So I'm working on it Dr. Richards."

The doctor offers her a pleasant smile, before setting her notes on the desk and peeking at her watch. "Looks like that's it for today, but it seems like things are progressing very well." Meredith fights the urge to smile back, at this last phrase, instead letting it wrap around her, repeating in her head, as Dr. Richards shows her out the door and instructs her secretary to help Meredith schedule an appointment for the next week.

By the time she makes it to her car, a smile lights her face and she taps her thumbs on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the music as she makes her way home. The house is surprisingly quiet, when she arrives, and she finds Derek and Jacob in the nursery, both asleep in a rocking chair, Jacob's head resting on Derek's shoulder.

She leans in the doorway and Derek stirs awake. "You're back," he says softly, and she crosses the room, rests her hands on the arms of the chair and kisses his forehead.

"And I'm progressing," she tells him the latest news and his lips begin to curve up into a smile.

"And you're progressing," he repeats. "So what do we do now?"

She dips her head down further until her lips hover above his ear, and she kisses it one time for good measure before giggling and pressing her forehead into his shoulder. "Will you marry me?"

She doesn't have to be looking at him to know that he is grinning, fully, and that his eyes are sparkling, and she bites her lips as she waits for his response. "Yes," his voice is thick and laden with emotion and Meredith is glad that she is not looking into his eyes because she was never one of those girls who were into crying at the happy moments in life.

---

**So, in any event, that's that. I don't know why it made so much sense in my head to have a depressing baby story, because all the ones before were happy... and I like a little bit of (well, actually a lot of) angst. So Meredith had her angst, and then there's going to be the fluffy interlude that I'm writing that I sort of love, and then is part two... where Derek gets his angst. Which should be up, I don't know when. Hopefully soon, but school has started and so has work so I'm extreme-o busy. :(**


	2. Ob La Di Ob La Da

**So here is the next part, but before I wanted to thank everyone for all the positive feedback from before! It was something that was really hard for me to write, just logistically. I know a few people mentioned PPD in their responses, and someone had wondered why no one came out and said it... that's mostly because all the medicine I know is from the Discovery Health channel, so even though I wanted Meredith to have PPD, I didn't want to come out and say it lest I completely misrepresent it. So I just made her seriously depressed, and yeah I guess I did a good job of it. In any event, now, at least for one day, no one's sad.  
**

**Ob La Di Ob La Da**

_In a couple of years, they have built a home sweet home  
With a couple of kids running in the yard of Desmond and Molly Jones_

One of Meredith's earliest memories is of the last birthday party she spent with her father. She had turned five years old and the late Ellis Grey had been called into the hospital for an emergency surgery leaving her father to run the games of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and duck-duck-goose all by himself. And then, when organized playtime had been over, the cake eaten, and all the presents unwrapped, the children had run around the backyard playing tag, while the adults sat on lawn chairs in the backyard, listening to the Beatles and remembering the simpler times of their own youth. Meredith had been wearing a white dress that day, her birthday dress, and her father had not reprimanded her when she had run into his arms with her favorite dress and white ankle socks covered in grass stains because his daughter had been truly happy and had told him that it was the happiest day of her life. Today, Meredith is wearing a white dress and playing in her backyard, but today is not a birthday party and today Meredith is making a valiant attempt not to end the day with her wedding dress covered in grass stains.

She throws her head back with laughter, before she pushes her son on the swing, high into the air. "Again! Again, mommy!" three-year-old Jacob claps his hands together with delight, so she pushes him one more time.

"Mommy's arms are tired, Jake," she says, breathlessly and Jacob giggles, looking back at her with his blue eyes sparkling and the dark hair that Izzie had tried to style that morning sticking out in all directions. Meredith smiles at her son before pulling him out of the swing set and holding him close to her. He wraps his chubby arms around her neck and presses his face into her chest.

"Love you mommy," he garbles in his toddler speak and Meredith squeezes him a little tighter before adding that she loves him too. She picks up the hem of the simple white silk dress that she wears with one hand, so it doesn't drag across the expanse of the yard. She has since discarded the heels that she wore for the ceremony and replaced them with flip-flops that are more comfortable. She stands in the backyard for a moment, surveying the scene, and recalling the events that had taken place just hours before. An altar had been set up at one end of the yard, the chairs where the few people they had invited still sat where they had been when Alex had set them up this morning. There is a clear worn path from the aisle that Richard had walked her down, to meet Derek, who waited for her, unaccompanied by the groomsmen and bridesmaids that Meredith thought cluttered most weddings. Her wedding had been small, simple, and to the point, three things that Meredith Grey valued greatly. But her fingers had still shaken when Derek had slipped the wedding band on to her finger. Her eyes had still clouded over with tears when she moved to do the same for him, ultimately spilling over onto her cheeks when she laughed upon hearing Jacob cry out, "Auntie Tiz, it's Mommy and Daddy!" from where he sat in Izzie's lap. And even though Meredith, Derek, and Jacob had been living together as a family for years, there was something about making it official that day that gnawed at Meredith's heart in a way that she hadn't felt since the birth of her son.

Now, Derek's family had returned to their hotel, and remnants of Meredith's makeshift hospital family the only people left as the sun began to set. The last piece of cake had been packed away for their first anniversary under Izzie's strict instructions. Dr. Bailey and her husband had been forced to return home to their own family, and Mark and Addison had left with warm regards. Derek and Burke sit on the back porch, ties loosened and shirttails un-tucked, talking surgeries and smoking celebratory cigars, with Jack laying at their feet. Derek still looks boyish, grinning and cracking jokes with a friend despite the strands of grey that threaten his temples. Old age has since caused Dr. Webber to fall into a peaceful sleep in one of the chairs next to them, and not even Cristina has the heart to wake him. Alex and George wrestle with the grill at one end of the yard, trying to store it away, and Cristina, Callie, and Izzie sit on the porch steps sharing a plate of cookies and a pitcher of lemonade.

Jacob sighs against Meredith's skin, and interrupts her thoughts. "I tired mommy."

She presses her lips on top of his head, "I know honey, I'll take you inside." She approaches her friends on the porch, and Izzie stands to meet her. "Jake's ready for bed," she shifts him in her arms, "And I think I am too."

"Don't get too sleepy," Izzie's eyes are mischievous, and Meredith raises an eyebrow at Callie and Cristina, who both shrug response. "Alex and I thought we'd take Jake tonight," she giggles. "It being your wedding night and all," she adds pointedly, before holding out her arms to take the small child from Meredith. "Besides, the car seat is already in the car and I packed him an overnight bag when I was getting him dressed this morning. So you can't say no."

"Do you want to say with Aunt Izzie and Uncle Alex tonight, Jake?" Meredith eyes her son warily.

He looks up and his blue eyes meet hers, filled with excitement, "Auntie Tiz and Uncle 'Lex? Cupcakes!" He practically leaps from his mother's arms into Izzie's.

"Let's go get Uncle Alex," Izzie rubs her nose into Jacob's pink cheek.

"Let's go get both those boys," Callie rises to her feet. "I'm exhausted too," she stretches her long arms into the air and the three make their way over to collect Alex and George and head home.

Meredith sits down and grabs a cookie, resting her head on Cristina's narrow shoulder. "So, I'm married now," she nibbles the edge of her cookie and stretches her hand in front of her to look at the diamond ring that sits neatly atop the matching platinum band.

"Welcome to the club," Cristina states dryly, looking at the set of rings that sparkle on her own finger, even in the dim light. She pauses for a moment before continuing, "Burke and I are thinking about I don't know, expanding our family? Is that what you call it when you want to have a kid?"

"Thinking?" Meredith lifts her head to face her friend in surprise.

"Well… I don't know, actively pursuing."

Meredith laughs, "So you're trying."

"Yeah," Cristina sighs. "We're trying," a hint of a smile comes to her lips. "I don't know, right now I think I just want one, like you and Derek and Jacob. But knowing my luck, I'll end up pregnant with seven and I'll have a whole fucking litter of mini-_Prestons_ chasing me around with scalpels and turtlenecks and asking me why mommy can't make dinner and won't clean their rooms."

They burst into laughter, attracting the attention of their husbands.

"What's so funny?" Burke calls out, craning his neck to peer at the two women.

"Nothing, dear!" Cristina responds, only making Meredith laugh harder. "But I think it's about time for us to head home," a yawn passes her lips and she pulls herself up with the railing.

"No, stay," Meredith tugs at the end of Cristina's dress, trying to pull her back down. "If you leave it means the party's over."

Cristina rolls her eyes, "As much as I hate to admit this, Izzie's right and it's your wedding night. And besides, I have to go back to my own home to try to make my own children, and apparently that's the most fun part of this whole process."

"Fine," Meredith grumbles and takes Cristina's outstretched hand, allowing her to help pull her up.

Before she knows it, the night is over. Meredith is helping Richard out of his chair and into Burke and Cristina's car. She places her tired son into his car seat and kisses him goodbye, and stands at the top of the driveway with Derek, waving goodbye to the last of their wedding reception. Once all the cars have driven away, and the last rays of sunlight disappear into the distance, Meredith turns her head and looks at the man who is now her husband.

"So now what?" she says, breaking the silence.

Derek runs a hand across his face, and turns to her with a grin, "Now, I pick you up, and take you through the front door and into our bedroom. So you know, we can make matrimonial love," he winks at her, playfully.

Meredith laughs for what feels like the millionth time that day, as she is swept up and Derek grunts his way through the dark house and up the stairwell into the room where they've slept for years. Meredith is still laughing, and doesn't notice when he pauses in the doorway. "Mer, did you put the candles and rose petals in here?"

Meredith looks up with a start, a puzzled look crossing her features. "Absolutely no- Izzie!" she cries out. "Izzie is going to burn our house down and call it romance," she slips out of Derek's arms and turns the lights on, running around and blowing out the candles. "What if Jake had made his way up here? Or what if Jack had eaten something and gotten sick?"

It is Derek's turn to laugh, he steps behind Meredith as she blows out the last of the candles, and slips his arms around her waist. She turns in his arms, and tilts her head up for a brief kiss. "It was a nice touch while it lasted," he kisses her forehead, she nuzzles her nose into his chest, and they stand there, comfortably.

"Derek," Meredith says softly, looking up at him. "I've been meaning to thank you all day."

"For what?" he frowns and pulls her in closer to him.

"For waiting," she wraps her arms around his neck and buries her face into him. "For waiting for me, I know I made you wait a long time for this to happen."

"Meredith I would have waited forever for you."

"I know, Derek. I know, but I do know that you didn't think it would take this long to get here."

"Well, it doesn't matter anymore, does it? We're married. We got here, and that's what matters now."

Meredith mumbles an okay and Derek runs his hands down her sides, drinking in the feeling of his palms gliding across the soft silk of her dress. "Anyway, you're not allowed to be sad on our wedding night," he adds, and Meredith pulls her head back to look at him with a raised eyebrow.

"What's with all the wedding night hype I've been hearing today, anyway?"

"It's not hype," Derek insists. "I'm an amazing lover."

Meredith snorts in response, "You keep telling yourself that."

"And it only gets better when you're married to me," he adds.

"Not what I've heard," she teases, and starts to step away from him.

He grabs her arm and pulls her into him, kissing her deeply. "You shouldn't listen to rumors Dr. Grey." His lips curl into a sly grin, "Or rather, Dr. _Shepherd_."

It's Meredith's turn to kiss him and she does so hungrily, burying her fingers deep into his thick hair and crushing her lips together until she is forced to pull away, gasping to catch her breath.

"I thought you weren't buying into the wedding night hype," Derek quips.

"Shut up and say it again," she glares at him, tilting her head and rising on her toes so that her lips can tend to the skin on his neck.

"Say what Dr. Shepherd?" Derek feigns innocence and her lips brush against his jaw, before she finds his mouth again.

When she pulls away he opens his mouth to say something, and she presses her finger against his lips to silence him. "If you're going to call me Dr. Shepherd again you're going to have to take my out of this dress right now," she states plainly. "I can't get it dirty." She pulls at his tie, taking it off and discarding it to the ground.

Derek laughs at her actions, and takes her hands in his before she can unbutton his shirt. "So you care about your clothes but not mine?"

"Last time I wore a white dress I was five, it was my birthday, and it was a perfect day except for the fact that my favorite dress was dirty," she makes a face when Derek laughs again and brushes his lips against her forehead. "Stop laughing, it's patronizing," she groans. "In any event, today has been perfect and I don't want any exceptions so you're not going to dirty my dress."

"But I can dirty everything else right…" he says huskily, pressing his mouth to her temple, "…Dr. Shepherd?" he adds the last two words for good measure and Meredith wrestles her hands from his, turns around, and gestures pointedly at the zipper behind her. Derek obliges, and laughs, kicking off his shoes and laying on the bed while she disappears into the closet to hang her dress.

A few minutes pass before Derek begins to feel restless and calls out her name, "Meredith? What's taking you so long?"

"Just give me a minute, I'll be out in a second," her voice is muffled by the closet door, and when she finally emerges he stares at her, his eyes a mixture of amusement and incredulity. She is wearing a miniature veil headband, a lacy white bra, and matching panties. "Don't laugh, Izzie made me promise, and she said that she'd ask you about it just to make sure I did." She points at her backside with exasperation, "And these things are supposed to sing, I think, but I can't for the life of me figure out how to get it to work." She turns to fiddle with her panties one more time, and this time it works, and they are greeted by an electronic rendition of "Here Comes the Bride." Derek can no longer restrain his laughter, and the music continues playing while she stalks to the bed to climb atop him and punch him in the arm.

"Ow!" Derek cries out and rubs the sore spot on his arm, his eyes still twinkling with delight.

"I said not to laugh at me!"

"Turn off your underwear; I can't take you seriously with music coming out of your butt," he says between laughs.

"You're ruining my perfect day!" Meredith moans and the headband sinks down onto her forehead, only serving to obscure her vision and make her husband laugh harder. "Stop it!" She hits him another time, and he pulls the headband off her forehead, chuckling.

"This is ridiculous," he feels around her back to switch off the battery pack that sits on the back of her underwear. "Where in the world did she get this thing?"

"I don't know, the mall," Meredith glowers at him as he places the veil back on her head. "I'm glad you're so amused by this," she scowls.

"Who wouldn't be? And you're cute when you pout," she makes another face and he runs a finger down her cheek. "I mean, you're cute when you pout… _Dr. Shepherd._"

Her facial expression softens, but she tries to maintain her anger, "I can tell you're just trying to butter me up Derek."

"And you like it."

"Don't be an ass," she leans down for a brief kiss.

"It's too late, we're married now, you're stuck with me," he smirks and kisses her again.

"Don't remind me," Meredith mumbles into his mouth.

"Hey, not a lot of guys would love you enough to make out with you even when you're wearing singing underwear."

"Well," she raises her head to look into his eyes, "I guess that's how I know this is forever."

"I suppose," he twists a lock of her hair around his finger and exhales. "Now let's get you out of this underwear before you electrocute the both of us."

Meredith attempts to frown, but her emotions betray her and a smile decorates her lips. "I hate you Derek Shepherd," she mutters, lowering her lips to kiss him.

He grins up at her and her smile widens, "Don't worry, I hate you too."

---

** So I realize that this is a lot fluffier than the last section, BUT it's just one day in their lives, and I needed to get it out of my system before I write the next bit, and with the other two parts Meredith and Derek deserve a little happiness! Hopefully, I'll be able to finish the last part before it gets too far into the week. But we'll see how everything goes.  
**


	3. Part Two

**Thanks to everyone for all the good reviews so far, I'm so sorry this took so long to get up. Real life has caught up with me hardcore in the past month and there's been time for... basically nothing writing related. But I'm on spring break and have a few days to myself before I meet up with people... and yes. Here's the rest, please let me know what you all think. I'm not sure I like it as much as the first part, and it's sad... really sad. After this I have a sweet ass epilogue that I'm writing as we speak/type so look out for that in the next few days! I promise!  
**

**My Blue Manhattan**

_My blue Manhattan  
She's angry like a child, but how sweet  
Fire and rain on the street  
_

At five years old, Jacob Shepherd has grown to be quite an intelligent child. His presses his nose up against the cold window of the hotel suite, watching the cold rain plummet down to the ground that is many stories below in this unfamiliar city. On the airplane, his mother had told him that he had been to New York before, when he was little, but that he probably wouldn't remember it, and he doesn't, but something about the rain is familiar to him in a way that he is not yet old enough to explain. His breath leaves a fog against the window, and he draws circles on the surface with his finger, until his mother interrupts his silent play with her entrance.

"Come on Jake, we need to finish getting you dressed," she says quietly, kneeling down in her black dress in front of him.

Jacob obliges, and holds his arms out, helping his mother get his arms into the small black suit jacket, and waiting patiently while she buttons his dress shirt, and helps him put the belt on his pants. She adjusts the tie that clips to the front of his shirt, and looks over him with her eyes before opening her mouth to speak. "Jake, do you understand what daddy and I meant when we told you that grandma had passed away?"

He nods, "I know, you said it means that we can't see her anymore and that she's not coming back. But where did she go?"

His mother fiddles with his tie once more. "She's in heaven, with Grandma Ellis, even though I don't think you remember her." She looks up into his eyes to see if he understands.

"I tried to remember her," Jacob sighs. "But don't be upset if I can't, I know that she's your mom."

"I won't be," she smiles. "But I think your dad's going to be upset for awhile about his mom, okay? So be nice to him and try to be good."

He nods again, this time with more enthusiasm. "I'm trying," he says. "So what do are we doing now."

"We're going to something called a wake, and it's going to be really quiet, so try to be quiet even though all your cousins are going to be there, and then we're going to come back here and go to sleep and tomorrow we're going to Long Island for the funeral."

"OK, I'll be quiet."

His mother tries to straighten his dark hair with her fingers and gives him a small smile. "I'm going to go get your shoes, and then we're going to meet daddy in the lobby, and go out to the car." She stands up to go to the next room.

"OK, mom," he pauses, contemplating the words that he is about to say. "Mommy, are you going to die one day?"

A look that he does not recognize crosses her face before she speaks, "Not for a long time Jake."

He lets out a breath of air, "Good, because I don't want to have to be sad like daddy."

**Please Do Not Let Me Go **

_I'm all alone now and I feel just fine  
I don't feel much like doing anything  
True love ain't that hard to find  
Not that either one of us will ever know  
Would you lay here for awhile?  
Please, do not let me go  
Please, do not let me go_

Derek feels as if he has spent the greater part of the past few days sitting in corners, sitting in corners and watching. Today is the day of his mother's funeral and he sits in a chair, next to a piano, in his sister's house, and feels the weight of the world upon him. He sits and he watches the people circle around him, forming a talking, moving, blur. His eyes occasionally focus on Jacob and Meredith. Jacob clings to his mother's leg, following her and nodding or shaking his head to the food she attempts to put on his plate.

Derek is both envious of Jacob and sorry for him, at the same time. Jealousy overcomes him for the simple fact that Jacob has a mother and Derek does not. Except one day, Jacob will have lost his mother and will be sitting in corners and watching everyone else go on with their lives as if his is not missing that one essential thing.

So Derek watches, and soon Jacob and Meredith disappear into the blur, but before he knows it Meredith is placing her hand on his shoulder and shaking him out of his daze to walk out to the car service that will take them back into the anonymous safety of the city.

---

It is night, and Derek still cannot rest his head. He stares up at the ceiling in the hotel room and listens to Meredith's quiet, steady breathing next to him. If he listens hard enough, he is able to hear that of his son, sleeping on the pullout couch in the next room. He runs his hands through his hair and rolls onto his side so that he is watching Meredith. Her chest rises and falls with her breathing, and continues to do so until her eyes slowly blink open in the darkness.

A moment passes before she notices him facing her, and she turns to him, slightly startled, with sad eyes. "You're not sleeping," she says softly, and reaches up to touch his cheek with her hand. "You should sleep."

He falls back onto his pillow with a sigh, and Meredith shifts, pulling him into her arms and letting his head rest on her chest.

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself," he finally whispers.

"I don't think you're supposed to be sure," she tells him. "It's part of the process."

"I should have been able to do something for her," he continues.

"You couldn't Derek. She had a stroke, it was in the middle of the night and no one knew or could have predicted it," Meredith runs her fingers through his hair. "Beating yourself up over something that happened because of old age and that you don't have any control over is not going to do anyone any good."

Her words hang in the air, and eventually the pace of his breathing matches hers, but the two are still awake. Soft footsteps soon interrupt their silence, and they look up to see Jacob in the doorway.

"I had a bad dream, I want to stay with you," he moans. He makes his way slowly to the bed, crawling under the sheets and positioning himself in between his parents' bodies, clinging to them both until the family falls asleep.

**City Rain, City Streets**

_I am going to push them way  
Fall into the leaves of the winter trees  
Drowning, slowly, lonely, my city of rain_

When Meredith wakes up in the morning it is to voices that are trying to contain themselves and the light snoring of her son next to her. She is disoriented and bleary-eyed with excess sleep when she lifts her head off the pillow, but even in her unsettled state she knows in her not to get up, but to put her head back down and listen to the voices.

"Why didn't you tell me this?" she can hear Derek saying, angrily perhaps, she pictures his blue eyes flashing and darkening to a stormy shade.

The voices disappear into the nothingness again and Meredith finds herself sitting up straight, straining to hear.

"Mom didn't want you to know, Derek, because she knew this is exactly how you would react!" A female voice, loud without being shrill bounces around the room and Meredith is certain she can hear Derek pacing.

"She is my _wife_. We have a _son_." Derek's words punctuate his sentences pointedly, in the way that he speaks when Meredith knows that he is frustrated.

"And remember the hell she put you through after he was born?" Meredith flinches, not at the words the woman says, but at the extended silence following them. "And that's part of the reason why mom always thought it would be better if you lived here, closer to your family. He needs a family."

"We have a family, Nancy," he says weakly. "We have a family and a life back in Seattle."

"And Jacob needs a healthier home life; he needs to get to know his family here, the people who are actually related to him and not just your co-workers, Derek. She doesn't even speak to her father anymore! And wants going to happen once he passes away, is it just going to be a repeat of what happened before?"

"You can't-"

She interrupts him. "It's what our mother wanted Derek," her words are firm and resolute and Meredith's head spins as she lets it fall back onto the pillow.

**I See Monsters**

_Baby, I know you cannot hear me now  
'Cause you're flying around  
At the speed of sound  
Colors inside your head go spinning around  
Like a Ferris wheel  
Exploding and falling to the ground  
Oh, people are screaming, people are screaming  
My babies, she's dreaming_

Hours later and Meredith is still in the bed, her head is still racing. Derek appeases his sister by letting her take Jacob with her for the day and Meredith is happy for the silence. What Meredith is not happy for is Derek's presence next to her, she can feel him watching her even with her eyes closed, and she knows that he knows that she knows what he said in the other room that morning.

"Derek, I want to go back to Seattle, and I don't want you to make me feel guilty for it," she finally says, opening her eyes to look back at him.

His jaw sets briefly, before he speaks. "What if she's right?"

"Right about _what_ Derek?" Meredith snaps, "About me being a screw-up and a bad parent, is that what you think she's right about? Is that really what you think about me?" She sits up and stumbles out of the bed, her hands shaking as she stares down at him.

"Meredith you know that's not-" Derek starts before she interrupts

"Well that's what she said, and you didn't say a thing, and I cannot stay in this place. I can't Derek, we can't." She is frantic now, pulling the suitcase out from under the bed and emptying the drawers that hold their clothing. "Not any longer, I was trying, I was really trying," she repeats.

"What are you doing Meredith?" He watches her and his voice is surprisingly calm.

"I'm packing my things," she responds, her hands still shaking. "Jake and I are getting on a plane tomorrow and you can follow us, or you can stay here, your choice." She looks up at him, and when he doesn't say anything she shakes her head, and runs to the bathroom.

He runs his hands across his face and lets his chin rest in his hands, not moving to follow her.

**English Girls, Approximately**

_Kiss me on the lips when my heart just laughed it off  
Words may move, but there never moving fast enough  
Celebrate the differences, I celebrate the songs you sing  
Just three words, my love: you meant everything  
You meant everything_

"Mommy, I'm tired," Jacob whines softly as they make their way out of the baggage claim and into the Seattle city streets. Meredith rolls her eyes and counts to ten before she responds.

"Jake, I can't carry you and all of our luggage at the same time, so you're going to have to be good for me and walk, please?"

Jacob makes another noise and rubs at his eyes behind her, "Why does Daddy have to stay in New York?"

This time Meredith counts to twenty. "He's busy," she says shortly, taking Jacob's hand in hers and guiding him to the taxi line.

"Well how long is he going to be busy for?"

"Awhile Jake, he's going to be busy for awhile. But we'll be OK without your dad for some time," she lies.

Thankfully, Jacob is silent until the car arrives and does not force her to try to answer any more questions that she is sure she does not have the answer to.

---

It is late into the night once they are finally settled back in the house, in the middle of the woods. Meredith has unpacked and made dinner and tucked Jacob into bed, all things that a few years ago she never imagined she would be able to do, and until yesterday had never imagined she would have to do alone. But she has, and now the house is quiet and Jacob is asleep, and the dog is back from his stay at the kennel, and Meredith is unsure of what to do next. So she stares at the phone on her nightstand and listens to the creaky sounds of the house settling and Jack's paws moving across the carpeted floors, trying to clear her mind.

She picks up the phone, at last, and dials the numbers that seem to be imprinted to her fingertips, her breath catching in her voice when she is greeted by Derek's voice, deep and hoarse.

"I figured I'd call you and let you know that we're back and still alive," she tries to keep her words cold and level.

"I'm glad you called," he murmurs, and Meredith can hear him stirring about the hotel room. She pulls the phone away, intending to hang up but his voice calls her back again. "Mer," he murmurs, and her fingers grip the receiver a little tighter, "Meredith I can't fall asleep without you," he says softly.

Her lips quiver and the tears that have been threatening her eyes all day finally spill onto her cheeks, but she still does not beg him to return.

"You don't have to say anything just don't hang up," he pleads. "Just stay there, so I can hear you breathing. I just need to be able to sleep."

"OK," she mumbles. "OK." She lets herself sink back into her bed, their bed, in the house, in the middle of the woods and listens to her husband's steady breathing, 3,000 miles away, sure that he can hear her crying, and whimpering, and this becomes a nightly ritual.

**Thank You Louise**

_Everyone, when she was young,  
They said she was the pretty one  
She's lovely now, just watch her as she goes  
Waiting for the birds to come  
She holds the hands of someone young _

Two weeks pass and Meredith becomes a liar. She lies to everyone in a way that she hasn't done since before she started her residency and she had to fabricate stories about her mother's whereabouts while she actually lost her mind in a nursing home.

"Derek's taking some time off to go fishing on the East coast," she lies to Cristina and Burke when they show up at her house for dinner.

"He's really upset and needs some alone time," she tells Izzie, who understands, and Meredith is not sure if she is lying to her friend or telling her the truth.

"He'll be back soon," she lies to Jacob, when she tucks him into bed each night, and for now, this lie hurts the most because she knows that his father is telling him the same lie over the phone. Meredith can remember wishing her own mother could have told her the same lie about her father when she was Jacob's age, so she squeezes his hand and looks into his eyes and tells her five-year old self the lies she wants to hear.

The next most painful lies are the ones that Meredith tells herself, and encourages herself to believe. Even when Derek is on the phone and telling her he needs her, _them_, she tells herself that if he did, he would be there, with her, _them_ in Seattle and not alone in New York City. She doesn't know why she can't give into the hope that rests in somewhere in the dark corners of her heart, so instead, she lies to herself disappointed.

**Hotel Chelsea Nights**

_I felt like getting rid of all my things  
Maybe just disappear into the fall  
The traffic roars and my stomach screams  
Sittin' here watchin' roaches climb the wall  
_

Derek eyes are hollow and his cheeks are gaunt, and he knows that he's a mess but he sits at the dinner table in Nancy's house and scoops the mashed potatoes, and passes the peas, his movements robotic, at best. He pushes the food on his plate with his fork and lets his family's polite, quiet conversation circle his head without entering his ears. He thinks that if he blocks their voices out, and he looks hard enough, his 13 year-old nephew resembles Jacob, and his sister could pass for Meredith, and he can ignore his niece, and his brother-in-law, and the fact that no one at the table is continuously questioning him, like his son.

But someone is saying his name now, and his concentration is broken, and the delicate balance crashes, and he slams his fist down on the dinner table, exasperated, roughly shoving back his chair. They look at him, wide-eyed and wondering, following his back until he is out the front door, slamming it behind him.

It is Nancy who follows him out into the front yard, trying to yell at him and keep her voice down all at once. "What is going on here?"

"I cannot do this anymore, not for you, and I know that mom would have never asked me to do this," he rakes a hand roughly through his hair and clenches his other hand into a fist. "I can't stay here without Meredith, because I _need_ her Nancy, and she needs to live in Seattle, and if she needs to be there then I need to be there too, no matter what the reasons are."

Nancy is surprisingly silent, and Derek is encouraged to continue. "And it doesn't matter if my life doesn't fit into the picture perfect box that you want it to. Moving to New York isn't going to change that, and it's not going to bring mom back from the dead either. So you, and everyone else in this family, are just going to be happy with the choices that I make, for once in your lives," his voice is ragged and hoarse. "So you're going to have to take me back to the city or let me on your computer because I need to book a flight."

**Fuck the Universe**

_Slowly  
Coming over me  
Like fire and ice  
Confusion  
All to the ground   
Stone me  
Like you own me  
The strangest moving patterns   
All flow through this city  
_

Jacob is hysterical. His cries echo through the large house, and Meredith has to fight the urge to plug her ears with her fingers and scream along with him. "I want my daddy, I want my daddy, I want my daddy," he repeats continuously and Meredith counts higher than she thinks she has ever counted, before making her way up the stairs and to his bedroom.

"I want my daddy, I want my daddy," he yells, and he squirms, and he kicks at his mother when she tries to pull him down into her arms to calm him. "I want my daddy," he insists, and finally he is too fatigued to fight her any longer, and cries. The combination of tears and snot mix into Meredith's shirt and she fights another urge to cry along with him.

"We just can't see daddy right now," she says softly when he stops crying and hiccups against her, catching his breath.

"At school – at school Matt told me that his daddy and his mommy started living in separate homes and that if I'm not careful that's what will happen to _me_," his words come out in breathy gasps, and Meredith runs her fingers through the dark and tangled mess of his hair.

"That's not what's going to happen," Meredith says firmly, trying to convince herself of this as well.

"Well then why won't daddy come back?" he moans.

"He just – he can't," Meredith offers lamely, and attempts to smile at her son when he looks up at her, his blue eyes shining with tears.

"Is daddy _dead_?" he asks next.

"No!" For the first time in forever, Meredith wants to laugh at the absurdity of her son's statement. "Why would you think that?"

"Because that's what you said, when grandma died, you said that being dead meant that you can't see someone and they don't come back, and I can't see daddy and he's not coming back!"

"He's not, your father's not dead," she sighs. "You talk to him on the phone sometimes, you know that."

Jacob sniffles in response, and buries his face deeper into his mother's chest, until he falls asleep and it is Meredith's turn to cry.

**Twice As Bad As Love**

_Is twice as bad as love, oh  
Twice as bad as love, and not that sad  
Twice as bad as love  
Once to be heard, twice to be had_

Today Meredith is in hysterics. She looks down at the two blue lines that indicate a positive and wants to scream, and cry, and kick, and throw things, but she doesn't because her son is asleep and she needs it to stay that way. So she paces, and wrings her hands, and takes a Tylenol and drinks cup after cup of water trying to calm herself down and stop her head from spinning. She enters the closet and clutches one of Derek's shirts, imagining that she is crying in his chest and that his arms are there to protect her as they had been before, and after a few moments, she knows that _this_ is the lie that hurts the most.

---

When Derek turns on his phone as he exits the airport, it immediately begins ringing and he answers it confused, and then concerned when he hears Meredith's cries on the other line.

"I can't, I can't – Derek I don't know how to tell you this," she begins and Derek feels his heart clench.

"Is Jake, is he OK?"

"He's fine, he's fine," she cries. "It's not him, it's _me_."

"You?" he gasps, and forces himself to take a deep breath. "Just breathe, breathe Meredith you can tell me what's going on. Meredith if something's happening to you, I don't know what I'll do."

Meredith sobs in return, and by now, Derek is pushing past the line of angry people, and jumping across the barricades of the taxi line to get into a yellow cab, throwing his belongings haphazardly across the seat. Once this task is complete and the car is in motion he resumes the task of trying to calm his wife.

"Meredith, Meredith you're going to have to calm down and tell me what's going on," he runs a hand across his face and wills the car to move faster. "Please?" he begs her and her tears taper, but her voice still shakes.

"I'm pregnant," she moans. "And I don't know what I'm going to do, and I don't want you to come back just because of that, I want you to come back because you _want_ to come back." A fresh set of tears rushes into her throat, and Derek can hear her gasping for breath over the line. "I'm pregnant. And I'm terrified, because of what happened the first time and I don't want – I don't want them to be right about me." Once the words are out of her mouth, it's as if they can't stop, and they circle in Derek's head as the car continues in the night.

Derek cannot recall how much time has passed, but Meredith's sobs still ring clear into his phone once the taxi has pulled up to the house. "Meredith, Meredith," he finally interrupts. "Meredith where exactly are you right now?"

"In the closet," she answers, her voice laced with confusion.

"Just, just stay right where you are," he instructs. "Just stay right there."

"What's going on?" she questions, but he cuts her off, ends the call, and shoves his phone into his pocket. The driver struggles with his luggage, and Derek is sure that he has overpaid him, but he abandons his belongings on the porch and lets himself into the house, taking the stairs up to his bedroom two by two and flinging open the closet door.

Meredith's eyes widen with shock, and Derek rakes his hand through his hair, roughly, looking down at her and wondering how he let this happen.

"You're – you're here," she says softly, and Derek takes in her full appearance. She looks thinner, her hair is a mess, and her eyes are red rimmed and accompanied by dark, angry looking circles.

"I'm here," he offers lamely. "I was trying to surprise you."

Meredith's lips quiver and she opens her mouth to speak, before her breath catches in her throat, and a few tears spill onto her cheeks, and she looks away from him. Derek lowers himself next to her, and pulls her small frame into his arms. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she repeats. "I don't know – I don't know how it happened," she cries into his chest. He presses his lips on top of her head.

"Don't you apologize to me," he insists. "This is my fault; I should never have let you leave on your own."

"If you don't, if you don't want to – you don't have to, you can go back, we don't have to go through with – I don't have to have," she continues, stumbling over her words until she is breathless.

"Meredith," he pulls away from her so that he can look into her eyes. "I want to be here, I should have been here," Derek says firmly. "And you're pregnant, and I'm happy, because you are a wonderful mother, and I am so lucky to have you, and my sisters are wrong and so was I." He cups her cheeks in his hand and kisses her forehead, softly. "I was so wrong." He wipes at her tears with the pads of his thumbs, and wraps his arms around her again, pulling her closer to him.

"Derek, I'm scared," she says, after a long silence, and he can feel her shiver against him.

"Don't be," he murmurs. "We're in this together."

"You can't leave us again," she tilts her head up, so that she is looking into his eyes and he replies, kissing her properly.

"Never."

And he doesn't.


	4. The One Who Loves You The Most

**So this is the epilogue. And It makes me happy! The song is by Brett Dennen, in case anyone was wondering and is one of my favorites so it's definitely worth a download. Enjoy! **

**The One Who Loves You The Most**

_When the sky is falling from above you  
And the wind is raging from the coast  
And you want someone who truly loves you  
I will be the one who loves you the most_

_When you forgive your imperfections  
And you've auctioned all your clothes  
And you look to see your true reflection  
You will be the one who loves you the most_

Months later, Lillian Ellis Shepherd comes screaming into the world and Derek is unsure of what to do with himself. Addison shows him where to cut the cord, and Lillian is whisked away to be tested and cleaned, and Meredith grabs at the back of his shirt, pulling him back towards her position on the bed.

"Is she – is she ok?" her eyes are pleading and her brow is sweaty. Derek tends to her with a wide smile decorating his face.

"She's perfect," he pushes some of the hair off her forehead before leaning down to kiss it. Meredith lets out a long sigh, and beams, and he brushes his lips against her cheek. "She's absolutely perfect, and she looks just like you."

A tired laugh slips from her lips, and Derek is happy to see his wife smiling. After months of coaching and counseling, and despite the trials of the past, Derek cannot help but believe that everything is going to go smoothly this time around. "You're lying," she giggles, adding, "We both know that you can't tell this early."

"I can tell," he buries his nose in her matted hair and kisses her temple, before they are interrupted by the nurse bringing back their daughter, wrapped in a blanket, diapered, and freshly bathed. She places her in Meredith's arms and Meredith and Derek are entranced by their daughter's tiny, squirming form. Derek extends his finger and grins when she squeezes his tightly, and moves her other fist to her mouth.

"I want Jake to come see her," Meredith says softly. "Before we both fall asleep." Derek nods and presses his lips to the side of Meredith's head once more, breathing her in. He tears himself away from them, and glances behind him before he slips out the door and makes his way down the familiar halls of Seattle Grace, preparing to announce to his friends that he had just become a father for the second time around.

Somewhere, in the back of Derek's head, worry taunts him, and memories of the first few months of his son's life want to turn over the grin that threatens to split his face in half. But the image of Meredith's bright face and the sound of his daughter's cry, strong and healthy, erase the clouds of the past until he is left with nothing but hope, hope and pride.

"Daddy? Is she here?" Jacob's voice interrupts his thoughts and he looks down at the little boy and tries not the laugh at the sight of him. He's too happy to lecture whoever let him eat the chocolate that has left telltale stains on his clothing, and instead picks up Jacob, dinosaur print long underwear, rain boots, fireman's hat and all, and spins him around once in the air. Jacob laughs until he is out of breath and finally Derek sets him down.

"I brought a car!" He holds the matchbox toy high in the air for his father to see. "So that she can play while she's here! Aunt Izzie told me I have to learn how to share now, and I'm starting now, I'm being a good sharer see?" His words tumble out of his mouth at breakneck speed and Derek laughs in response, mussing Jacob's curly locks with his hand.

"She's not going to be able to play for awhile, Jake, but thanks for being so good."

Jacob beams, and Derek turns his attention to all the others in the waiting room, who are looking at him, smiling, although tired, and waiting expectantly for the news. "Meredith's doing great," he announces. "And Lily, too, they're great but tired."

They breathe a collective sigh of relief and Cristina, true to form, is the first to speak. "You made us wait long enough!" she groans, and rises to her feet, rubbing her lower back, her own pregnant belly jutting out awkwardly. "Now this one just has to decide to slide out and we can be done with this whole damn waiting room thing, I'm a surgeon for fuck's sake."

"Language!" Izzie, George, and Burke warn simultaneously, gesturing to where Jacob stands, seemingly oblivious to the adult conversation that is taking place over his head. Cristina places a hand on the bump that her and her husband have tried for years to create and groans.

"Don't lecture, when you lecture the baby moves," she scowls, yet, even Derek can tell that despite her cold exterior Cristina is celebrating in her own way, and he can detect the faintest hint of a glow decorating her features. He watches her with knowing eyes as the others bombard him with questions about the size, the length, how Meredith is doing, why on earth it took him so long to come out and tell them, and he answers dutifully, yet still in the baby induced haze.

Finally, Derek manages to interrupt them, "Meredith wants Jake to come in before she gets to tired. So if you'll excuse us," he scoops Jacob up into his arms, despite the fact that he's getting to big to be carried and accepts the balloon and bouquet that Izzie insists he takes to decorate Meredith's room.

"Mommy hates flowers," Jacob whispers to his father, once they have made their way down the hall. "Aunt Cristina and I tried to tell Aunt Izzie, but she wouldn't listen."

Derek laughs, "She tends not to," he admits to Jacob and stops before entering the room where Meredith and Lillian await. "Now, are you ready to meet your little sister?" he asks Jacob who is already nodding enthusiastically. "You have to be quiet, because she's little, and so she has little ears, and little ears can't handle big noises quiet yet." Jacob nods again in agreement, and Derek turns the handle and opens the door, pleased to find that the room has since cleared and to see Meredith sitting up in the bed, Lillian sleeping in her arms.

"Hey there," Meredith says, looking up from the baby. "I'm so happy to see you!"

Jacob squirms down from his father's arms and rushes to his mother's side, excitedly letting losing hold of the balloon. "I want to see her, I want to see her!" He looks up his father apologetically and lowers his voice to a whisper, "I can't see her from down here."

Derek grins and sets the flowers down, bringing the rocking chair closer to the side of the bed, pulling Jacob up into his arms so he can get a better view of his sister. His nose wrinkles, immediately. "She's … small and … _pink_," he observes and Meredith and Derek look over him at each other, their eyes bright with laughter.

"You were small and pink when you were born," Meredith informs him. "But you grew, and so will Lily so she won't be small and pink forever."

Jacob's lower lip quivers slightly, "But you said that we'd be able to play." He holds up the toy car, "And I even brought something to share with her."

Meredith smiles, "You can play with her in a little, and I'm sure she's really happy that her big brother wants to start sharing his toys with her so early, but babies that have just been born can't really do much."

Jacob sighs loudly, in exasperation. "So what will she do now?"

"Eat a lot, and sleep mostly," Derek contributes. "And cry; she can't talk so all she can do is cry for everything."

"I'm going to help her learn to talk so we can understand her better," Jacob offers. "Because I don't think I'm going to want to listen to crying all the time."

Derek laughs for the millionth time, "That's great Jake."

They are silent for a while before Meredith questions Jake, "Do you want to hold her?"

He looks up at his father for approval and Derek nods, approvingly. "I don't want to break her," Jacob's eyes widen.

"I'll make sure that doesn't happen, and she's not too heavy."

Jacob hesitates for a second, and then holds his arms out form his position on Derek's lap. Meredith hands Lillian over, first to Derek, who gently places her in Jacob's arms, his own ghosting beneath his sons as a means of safety. Lillian squirms, and blinks her eyes open, staring up at the one who came before her, in silence and pressing her tiny fist up against the fabric of the knit pink cap the nurses donned on her.

"She's looking at me," Jacob whispers in awe, and moves his sticky lips to give his little sister a wet kiss on the forehead. To this, Lillian responds with a loud shriek that is brief, and does not commence into tears. "I think she likes me!" Jacob adds, proudly, beaming up at his mother.

They sit like this for a few minutes, Jacob admiring his little sister, until her eyes shut and she falls into a quiet sleep. Jacob and Derek juggle the baby until Derek has her and stands to set her in the bassinet that sits next to Meredith's bed. He looks up from laying Lillian down, and sees Jacob slipping out of his boots and climbing up the bed and into his mother's arms, and Derek finds himself overwhelmed with emotions. He sinks back into his seat, and watches Jacob mumble a sleepy, "I love you mommy," and can tell that Meredith is squeezing him a little tighter, pulling him into a hug to tell him that yes, she loves him too. Eventually the day catches up with him, and Jacob has nodded off to sleep, too, his breathing heavy and laborious with exhaustion. Derek fights the desire to squeeze himself into bed next to his family and instead settles on taking Meredith's tiny hand into his own.

"I love you the most," he whispers, and Meredith smiles over their son's hair, turning onto her side so that she can see him better. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

"Don't say that," she bites her lower lip, "I know you're just trying to butter me up so maybe I'll try to have sex with you sooner."

Derek suppresses his laughter and pulls her hand up to his lips, brushing them against her fingertips. "You know me too well."

Meredith giggles, and Derek notes that her eyelids grow heavy with sleep. "We should go, let you get some rest," he starts and Meredith is quick to silence him.

"Stay," her eyes are pleading and her brow furrows, "At least for a little while."

"OK."

Meredith's expression softens and she shuts her eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply. "What are we doing here? And I mean in the figurative sense, not the literal," she manages to quip and this makes Derek happy because it is evidence that his wife is still there.

"We're being a family," he says, seriously, and pulls the chair closer to the bed, so that he is leaning on the extra space behind Jacob. Meredith runs her fingers down his cheek and doesn't say anything for awhile.

"I never felt like I had a real family before," she admits, "So this is what I've been missing out on."

Derek laces his fingers through hers. "Let's see if we're this excited about it when we take Lily home and she's screaming at 3 o'clock in the morning to get her diaper changed."

"No," she replies, "I think I can even handle that." She bites her lip again and Derek can see that she is getting progressively drowsier. "Or maybe I'm just still high off the epidural."

They laugh, and once again lapse into a comfortable silence. This time, it is Derek who breaks it. "You do realize that you're glowing."

Meredith makes a face, "I'm not the only one who's lighting up the room, mister."

"I'm just saying."

"Well," Meredith smiles. "I mean, it is pretty amazing, the fact that we just added another little person into the world." She sighs and lets her head sink back into the pillow.

Derek's eyes sparkle and he rises to his feet, leaning down to give Meredith a long kiss. "You need to rest," he urges, and she pulls him down for another kiss before letting him move to scoop up Jacob, who barely stirs.

"I wish you could stay," she mutters.

"I'll be back, in the morning, first thing," he answers while bending down to scoop up the rest of their belongings.

"Promise?" she asks, her voice getting smaller and she drifts closer to sleep.

"Always," he responds, "I always promise."

Meredith murmurs something incoherent and Derek gives them one last look over his shoulder before exiting the room, and taking his son home.

---

In the weeks that follow, Derek is still there, and once they have a free moment from caring for Jacob and Lillian, it is Meredith holding Derek's arms above his head, panting, and grinding into him with her thin hips. It is Meredith who rolls them over for the second, third, fourth, and fifth time, until they have lost their breath completely and can only speak to wonder how many times they can do it again before one of the kids wakes up. The final time is slower, and replete with Derek's whispered promises, and I love yous, and moans into her sweaty hair, as they make up for lost months. In the end, when Meredith is gathered neatly into his arms, her face buried into the crook of his neck, and they are now the good kind of exhausted, Lillian's cries cut through the air and they cannot help but smile at their daughter's perfect timing.

---

**It's so weird to be finished with this story, and it makes me kind of sad because I like the little world that I created. Maybe I'll do a sequel or something, but part of me wants to try something completely different and throw a new set of issues at them. Thanks to everyone who has read and responded! Hopefully the next few weeks won't be crazy for me and I'll have time to write something new. I have lots of ideas floating around. **


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